Dictionary Porn!

I love my two-volume Britannica World Language Edition of Funk & Wagnalls New Practical Standard Dictionary… I really do!
“Wherever did you find such a treasure?” you ask.
I used these dictionaries in a public library one day, and I was so impressed… I went home and I said to myself… “How in the world can I get these dictionaries?”
I mean, for one thing, they’re a part of a set!
And like, they are old. Really old.
You can’t just go out and buy them.
But… where there is a will, there’s always a way!
I put an add in the paper.
The next day… there was the following in the Miscellaneous Want-Ads:

“Do you have the two-volume Britannica World Language Edition of Funk & Wagnalls New Practical Standard Dictionary? If so, I will buy it from you. You name the price. Call Cipriano at _______.”

Same day I had a call.
Some old guy: “Yes, I have these books in my basement, and I’ll sell ‘em.”
Me: “What would you like for them sir?”
… pause.
Some old guy: “Twenty-five bucks?”
Me: “What’s your address sir, I’ll be right over.”

When I got there, an approximately 200-year-old man opened the door, and he could hardly even lift these two huge books. Said he never even looks at them anymore.
I said… “If you let me have them, I will take good care of them. And I promise… I will look at them often.”
I gladly handed him the twenty-five dollars.
And these books have become one of the most important, and well-used parts of my bookshelf. I will take good care of them…
The old man was happy to get rid of them.
I was happy to buy them.
This is just part of my goal… to make the world a better place… for everyone involved!
Now.... in all seriousness. My next global conquest concerns the acquisition of the latest edition of the 20-volume, 21,728 page Oxford English Dictionary.
I salivate at the thought.
A mere $2,000.00.
Given that price tag, here is the practical question I have got to face head-on now.... Do I gotta wait for some old guy to happen to be cleaning his basement on his 200th birthday.... stopping for some tea and a cataracty glimpse at the newspaper’s Want-Ads... maybe a shot of air at the wheezing respirator?
No.
I want them now.
I can’t wait for some professor to grow ancient!
Someone suggested to me, “Maybe you should settle for the cheaper CD-ROM version?”
Settle?
For one thing, I hate that word at the best of times.
Secondly.... NO!
I would rather reinforce the particle board in my IKEA bookshelf, thank you!
To hold them!
To hold them!
I WANT THE BOOKS.
I WANT THE BOOKS.